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Episode 91: The Wonder Years I

Writer's picture: Kristin LindstromKristin Lindstrom

I wonder what they'll get up to next!


My in-laws Mal and Herb were essentially kind people with pronounced idiosyncrasies.


Mal and Herb lived in the Washington, D.C. area for many years until Herb retired. Then, even though their two sons and two grandchildren lived in D.C., they up and decided to move to Cape Cod. Herb's mother had left him a small house there. This created a constant stream of demands that the children visit them in Massachusetts, not always possible,


So they came to visit often. Mal was bored a lot and looked about the house for things to correct, mostly when Perry was at work. I worked at home..


“Kristin, Kristin! Look how much dog hair is under the fridge.” Mal called out. As I entered the kitchen, Herb was nodding his agreement. I acknowledged the problem – it had never occurred to us to clean under the fridge, but she was right. Still the implication was that I should stop working and immediately clean out the hair.


“I can’t, I’m on deadline,” I said, “I’ll do it later.”



A stand-off ensued, “I’ll do it, then,” she said, trying to elicit as much guilt from me as possible.


“You don’t have to do it, but I can’t do it right this minute,” I said, standing my ground. I went back to my office and when I returned two hours later the mess was cleaned up.

Harrumph. Well, I told her I’d do it but I felt guilty after all, such were her powers.


***


“Kristin, Kristin! Come here,’ called Herb.


I ran from the office to the dining room. It was 10:00 in the morning.


“What’s the matter?”


“What’s a six letter word for ‘noisy toy’?” He asked, looking up hopefully. He was working the Washington Post crossword puzzle.


Ye Gods! These people refused to acknowledge that I worked from home.

“I have no idea!”


“It’s on the tip of my tongue,” he said as I shut the door to my office.


***


My husband often said over the years that his father had an opinion that would offend anyone. Herb loved to argue, and it was even better if he trapped someone unawares into a conversation.


Also, I noticed early on that Herb was nervous around mealtimes and he liked to ginger up the other people at the table. One night in our dining room, Mal made the mistake of mentioning a female South African doctor she knew.


“South Africa!” Herb barged right in. “Why, I was there just after World War II. It almost seemed that some of those black people were treated like slaves!”


I looked around the table and miraculously everyone else had disappeared, having recognized a classic rant starting up. I grabbed a bowl and headed to the kitchen just in time to hear, “You know, before the Dutch took over, those people were all cannibals!”


Whaaat? I paused for a moment and considered arguing with him, but I realized this was a trap and kept going.


***


One day Mal and Herb were sitting in the living room chatting with Perry. I had been in the kitchen but when I came out, I smelled something burning.

I took a few sniffs and became alarmed.


“Hey, there’s something burning. Do you smell it?” I said, as I came into the living room. The three of them looked sheepish and stared at the floor.


What’s going on?

Finally, Perry took me into the kitchen to explain that when his father had a Number Two, he lit a match to burn off the smell. I had never heard of such a thing, though I was to encounter the odd scent of a lit match many times over the years.


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